Resenting chores for the things you wanted happens because the wanting was a one-time event and the upkeep is daily. I asked for three rescue dogs, and they wake me up at 5:40 in the morning. The mess, the dishes, and the early alarm are proof the thing you asked for showed up. That reframe works for me on some days and adds guilt on others, so this post covers both kinds of day.
The idea comes from a video by Dr. Russell Ledet on TikTok. He worded it so well, and it was something I needed to hear, especially about chores. I was very inspired by it and I think everyone should watch it. I’m not going to retell it, because he says it better than I can. Watch it here: Dr. Russell Ledet’s video. Then come back for my version, which is less eloquent and has more dog hair in it.
What does resenting the upkeep look like?
Mine has three shapes, and none of them are about not wanting the thing, which is what makes the feeling so confusing to sit in.
The dogs. Three rescues, and I love them to pieces and don’t resent a single one of them. They also wake me up at 5:40 in the morning, and I can’t say that doesn’t have me whining on some mornings. Both are true at the same time, which is the whole problem with this feeling, because you can be grateful for the dogs and mad at the alarm in the same minute.
Working from home. I wanted this my entire life, and now that I have it the challenge of making enough gets to me sometimes. The thing I asked for came with a monthly question attached, and the question doesn’t care that I asked.
Dinner. I complain about making dinner for a husband I love, so I need a frequent reframe on that one, and the same goes for every chore in the house. The part that gets me is that it comes back every night whether or not I reframed it yesterday.
Why does the wanting wear off while the upkeep doesn’t?
You ask for something once and you get it once, and then it needs you every day, and the daily part was never in the picture when you asked.
The vet bills never make it onto the vision board, because the board has the dog on it asleep in a patch of sun and not the 5:40 wake-up that comes with him. That’s how wanting works, and it’s why the maintenance feels like a bill you never agreed to, even though it’s the receipt for the thing you got.
The woo way to say this is that what you manifest arrives whole, so the dog comes with the dog’s schedule and the work-from-home life comes with the income question. If you’re asking the universe for something, the upkeep is included, and it’s a sign the ask went through. On a good morning I can hold that, and on a bad one I’m a person at 5:40 in the morning whining at three dogs I love.
Does telling yourself it’s a blessing actually help?
For me it’s either or, depending on my mood, and I’ve stopped pretending otherwise.
On the days it helps, the reframe does exactly what Dr. Ledet describes. Dinner stops being a task and turns back into a thing I get to do for someone I chose, and the dogs waking me up turns into three animals who are alive and here and want breakfast. I feed them, and I’m over it by the time they’re eating. They reward me all day with cuteness and cuddliness.
On the days it doesn’t, the reframe adds a second problem on top of the first one. Now I’m tired AND I’m ungrateful, and the ungrateful part feels worse than the tired part, because stacking gratitude on top of a bad mood doesn’t fix the mood.
So I stopped treating the reframe as a rule, and on a good day I reach for it. On a bad day I let myself whine, I get up anyway, and I don’t grade myself on the whining. The dogs get fed either way, and they don’t seem to care about my attitude while I’m doing it.
How do you stop resenting a chore without faking gratitude?
The version that works for me on a bad day is smaller than gratitude. I say what the chore is attached to, out loud, once, and then I do the chore in whatever mood I’m in.
- Dinner is attached to a husband I love.
- The 5:40 wake-up is attached to three rescues who needed a home.
- The income worry is attached to working from my own house, which I wanted my whole life.
That’s the whole thing. The “I get to” reframe is its own practice, one I keep in my daily gratitude practice for the days I have room for it, and this is the shorter one for the days I don’t: name what it’s attached to, and let the mood be whatever it is.
Some days the naming turns into gratitude on its own, and some days it doesn’t and the dishes still get done. I also tried turning chores into a game once, and my gamified cleaning app lasted six days.
This week’s practice: one chore, one attachment
- Pick the one chore you complain about most. Not the worst one, the most frequent one.
- Write what it’s attached to in five words or fewer. “Dinner: the person I married.” “Litter box: a cat who chose me.”
- Put the note where the chore happens. On the fridge, on the alarm label, on the laundry room door.
- When you catch yourself whining, read it once. Then do the chore in whatever mood you’re in.
Frequently asked questions
Why do I resent chores for things I asked for?
Because you asked once and the chore repeats daily. The wanting was a single moment, and the upkeep is the rest of your life with the thing. Resenting the repetition doesn’t mean you don’t want the dog, the house, or the job. It means the maintenance was never part of the picture when you wanted it.
Is it ungrateful to complain about something you prayed for?
No. Complaining about the upkeep and being grateful for the thing happen at the same time, and one doesn’t cancel the other. I whine about my dogs at 5:40 in the morning and wouldn’t give them back for anything. The problem starts when you decide the whining means you’re ungrateful, because then you have two bad feelings instead of one.
How do I stop resenting cooking for my family?
Say what the meal is attached to, once, before you start. “Dinner is for the person I love.” It’s smaller than a gratitude practice and it works on nights when gratitude feels like too much to ask. Then cook in whatever mood you have. The meal gets made either way.
Does knowing something is a blessing make it easier to start the chore?
Sometimes, and sometimes it just adds guilt. On the days the reframe works the chore feels lighter and I start it faster, and it’s a real help. On the days it doesn’t, knowing it’s a blessing doesn’t put my feet on the floor any sooner. On those days I skip the reframe and go straight to the chore, and I let the mood ride along.
What if the gratitude reframe just makes me feel guilty?
Then don’t use it on that day, because a reframe that produces guilt has stopped doing its job. Name what the chore is attached to instead, which asks nothing of your mood, and save the full gratitude version for a day you have room for it.
Resenting the chores that come with the things you wanted is normal, and the fix is smaller than gratitude: name what the chore is attached to, then do it in whatever mood you have. The dogs will be up at 5:40 tomorrow, and I’ll whine, and I’ll feed them.
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