Being told to be grateful makes me feel worse because it sounds like my problem doesn’t count, and then I feel guilty for bringing it up at all. I can have a lot to be grateful for and still have a problem. What I do now is let the guilt pass, remember the person means well, write down what I’m grateful for, and keep treating my problem as valid anyway.
Why does “just be grateful” feel so bad?
When somebody tells me to just be grateful, it feels like it invalidates whatever I was complaining about. I immediately feel guilty, and the thought goes something like, oh my gosh, I should have nothing to complain about, I should only be grateful.
It’s the same when someone says other people have it so much worse. Well, yeah, I know. Somebody can always have it worse, and knowing that has never made my current problem any smaller.
Even with tons of blessings and things to be grateful for, I can still have problems, and I can still vent about them once in a while without feeling guilty. I don’t want to stay there or live in victim mode. I want to be allowed to voice the problem.
Where did I learn to feel guilty for complaining?
For me it goes back my entire life, to my grandpa mostly.
Anytime I complained about anything, he’d say, “Oh yeah? Well, how would you like to be me?” and then he’d list all his problems. Or it was, “How would you like to be so-and-so down the block?” followed by whatever had just happened to that neighbor.
It constantly taught me that my issues didn’t matter. That made me feel crappy, because I felt like a horrible person for complaining at all when I had all these things to be grateful for.
My grandpa had a lot of layers, and he was all kinds of things to me. He was my cheerleader and he was uplifting, and he taught me more than anybody on planet earth has. There was also the other side, where he did some damage. He always meant well, and nobody is perfect. I’m sure he didn’t mean for me to feel guilty. It’s something that happened.
What do I wish I’d been given back then?
I wish I’d been given more tools to deal with disappointment, and with my problems in general. I feel like I was taught to brush off my issues, or bury them and suppress them, when what I needed was a healthy way to process the feelings.
I also wish someone had told me it was normal to have all these feelings. Then I wouldn’t have thought I was a whiny complainer piece of crap person. It’s human to have all the feelings we have.
What do I do now when someone tells me to be grateful?
I don’t give people the power to invalidate my problems anymore. This is what I do now, in order.
- I let myself feel the guilt for a moment. Then I bounce back quickly.
- I remind myself it isn’t their intention. The person saying it isn’t trying to make me feel guilty.
- I take it as a reminder to pick my gratitude practice back up. I go write down everything I’m grateful for, because writing it down makes me notice more of it. My daily gratitude practice post has the simple version.
- I keep my problem valid. Counting my blessings doesn’t cancel the thing I was upset about.
Focusing on what I’m grateful for is still good advice, and I believe in it.
| What I hear | What it used to mean to me | How I take it now |
|---|---|---|
| “Just be grateful” | I should have nothing to complain about | A reminder to count my blessings, and my problem still counts |
| “Others have it so much worse” | My issues don’t matter | True, and it doesn’t make mine any less |
| “How would you like to be me?” | I’m a horrible person for complaining | He meant well |
Can I be grateful and still complain?
Yes, and I do both in the same day. I wrote about being grateful for my dogs and mad at the alarm in the same minute in Why Do I Resent the Chores That Come With What I Wanted?
My limit is time. If I have a problem, I let myself sit in it for a little bit, and I try not to stay too long or feel sorry for myself, because the complaining loop is one of the things that keeps me in a funk. These are all real human emotions, and I don’t have to feel guilty or bad for having them.
What do I say when someone vents to me?
I validate their feelings, and I don’t make it seem like their problem is too small. If somebody is feeling a certain way, they’re feeling that way, and it’s not anybody else’s job to say whether they should.
I do like to lighten the mood, and sometimes I’ll say something like, “Oh well, at least it’s not this.” I never want the person to walk away thinking their problem was too small to complain about, but I think it’s okay to point out the silver linings sometimes.
With a close friend or family, I also like to talk through solutions and ways to not stay in it, because sitting and stewing doesn’t help either, so I take it case by case. I like to ask, “Do you want to fix this or do you want to vent?” because then you can give them what they need in that moment. Sometimes we just need to let it out and not go right into fixer mode.
Today’s action
The next time someone tells you to be grateful
- Notice the guilt and give it a minute before you do anything with it.
- Say your problem to yourself in one plain sentence. It’s allowed to exist.
- Write down three things you’re grateful for, on paper or in your phone.
- Read both lists. Nothing on the second one erases the first.
- The next time a friend vents to you, start with “that sounds hard” before anything else.
Frequently asked questions
Why does being told to be grateful make me feel worse?
For me it’s because it sounds like my problem doesn’t count. I end up feeling guilty for complaining, on top of whatever I was upset about.
Is it okay to complain when I have a lot to be grateful for?
Yes. I can have tons of blessings and still have a problem, and venting about it once in a while doesn’t make me ungrateful. My own limit is that I try not to stay there too long.
Does it help to remember that others have it worse?
It hasn’t helped me. Somebody can always have it worse, and I know that already. Hearing it has never made my current problem any smaller. It only added guilt.
How do I stop feeling guilty for complaining?
What works for me is letting the guilt pass for a moment, reminding myself the person didn’t mean it that way, and then holding two things at once: I’m grateful for a lot, and my problem is still valid.
What can I say to someone who is venting?
I validate what they’re feeling first and I don’t shrink the problem. With a close friend or family I might talk through solutions after that, and it depends on the person and the day.
Where I am with this
Being told to be grateful bothers me less now, because I take it as a reminder to count my blessings and I keep my problem valid too. I still feel the guilt for a moment when someone says it. The next time someone says it to you, try giving the guilt one minute and then writing both lists.
A book I made
The Lightest One
An undated ADHD daily book that never asks you to prioritize. Dump everything in your head, mark each thing light, medium or heavy, and do the lightest one.
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